02/08/08
Marred by scandal, the media circus that was the year 2007 will no doubt be remembered as the culmination of the most inimitable 365 days in sports history. The names Bonds, Vick and Donaghy brought material for sports writers, water cooler talk for fans and stress disorders for each of the “big three” commissioners.
Believing that controversy is on the way out, at least for a year, I have decided to compose a list of rules that will eliminate the annoyances in sports today and ensure 2008 matches the excitement of its predecessor. You’re welcome, sports fans.
1. Baseball players must complete their homerun trots in less than 35 seconds. The sport takes too long as it is, let’s not elongate the ritual they’re paid to do. (Note: This only applies to major leaguers. If you hit one out in your Adult Rec Softball league, by all means, take your time.)
2. Any baseball fan older than 12 wearing a glove in the stands is immediately ejected. No exceptions. The glove is to be confiscated and overnighted to Puerto Rico, where it will be given to the kid with the worst bare-hand abilities.
3. I can go both ways on the next baseball rule. First, we make steroids mandatory so that even the 110-pound second basemen are hitting dingers. Don’t judge me; it’s not just chicks that dig the long ball-we all do. Or, we crack down on the juice and simply move the fences in.
4. Any NBA player 6 feet 9 inches or taller who performs a lay-up instead of a dunk on a fast break will be awarded a technical foul. The guilty party will then be forced to reimburse each fan 2 percent of the retail value on their ticket stub after the game.
5. Any shot made from one’s own backcourt will count as five points. It will be referred to as the “Robert Horry Line” or “The Big-Shot Bob rule.”
6. Men’s NCAA Division I basketball and football shall be renamed the NBA and NFL Minor Leagues, respectively. They will also be exempt from Title IX.
7. If we’re going to let NASCAR continue to air on ESPN, let’s add an element that requires a little athleticism. In the last lap of each major race, the drivers will exit their automobiles, strap on some in-line skates, and have a full contact roller derby to the finish line.
8. To alleviate some of the boredom, televised golfers will now be required to sing and/or dance their way down the fairway to their approach shot. The player who fails to do so will be assessed a one stroke penalty and have to front the bill for John Daly’s bar tab.
9. The top four teams at the end of the BCS regular season have a live Scrabble tournament on the 50-yard line at the Rose Bowl to determine the national champion. Hey, it’s better than what we have now.
10. Lastly, we turn plunking the driver of the ball-picker-upper golf cart at the driving range into a professional sport. The game is played with male/female partners. I call Annika Sorenstam. Skip Bayless will serve as all-time cart driver.